either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
