She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
