We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
