I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
