I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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