everyone is single if you try hard enough
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize