he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's blow job season.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
