Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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