"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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