as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize