im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
