I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
