Soap is not a condiment
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
