Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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