The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
