jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
pop tarts are not kleenex
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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