oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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