people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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