Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
