I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
