today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
