I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
