Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
