I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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