I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
