didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
