don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i think my cat just said my name.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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