Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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