you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
