FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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