Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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