I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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