well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
