The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
