We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
