Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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