i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
