I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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