i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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