i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
