I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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