Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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