i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
