I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
