So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize