Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My balls are so social today.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
