the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
