He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
