I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Randomize
