I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
