I hate your face
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
