someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
