her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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