Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
