How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
