In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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