I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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