Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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