I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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