That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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