You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
